This morning, I took the box out, I laid all the little clothes down and I asked him: which one should I give as a present? We both caressed the tiny clothes, looked at them with kindness and both agreed on one. It wasn’t hard, it felt good. It felt meaningful. I felt like really looking forward in seeing the new born son of my good friend wearing that. I nicely wrapped it in nice blue paper and off I went.
It wasn’t the first time I gave away clothes that belonged to my son Felix. Clothes he never got to wear, clothes I never got to wash. Over the past three years I did it a few times. The first time I gave a little romper suit it wasn’t even to a friend. It was to a colleague for work. She and I weren’t close, but she once said something to me that touched me. I don’t know what it was, but when she left for her pregnancy leave I gave her that present. I didn’t give it much thought, I didn’t expect anything in return, I just felt the need to give it to her and it felt bittersweet. A few weeks later she posted the announcement of the birth of her son on Facebook. With the first pictures taken of him. He was wearing ‘that’ romper suit. I couldn’t help crying. I know she understood. By that simple and thoughtful gesture she made me feel so proud.
Last Sunday, on All Souls’ Day, it was three years ago that we held our son in our arms. So tiny, so small, so fragile, so beautiful. And so unfair. It still feels very unfair. It still feels like it happened yesterday… some days. But it is also all a part of my life, our life. Sunday we played his play list of songs, we lit candles and had fun together at the breakfast table. We went outside and had a stroll in a park. The weather was just stunning. As beautiful as it was three years ago. The sun was shining bright, the colors of the trees were fabulous. The autumn leaves in all their glory, all red, yellow, orange, purple, brown. This is how I always remember him, my warm-colored-autumn-leaves child. Each fall, when the weather is like this around his birthday, it calms me down, it makes me feel the love. Sunday was a beautiful day.
And today I visited my dear friend who got her third baby boy. She was glowing with pride and love. He was just beautiful. Tiny fingers, tiny toes. A week old and perfect, sucking his thumb for the first time. I got to hold him and smell him and give him a few little kisses. And I watched him taking his bath. So intimate, so pure. After I left I got a message from my friend, thanking me for the special gift. I know she understands. I am looking forward on holding this precious little boy in a while wearing that jeans dungaree. I feel lucky!